Scenario.
The Bear is tired. He has red eyes. He rubs them. He stares into space. He tosses. Bucks. Cries. And cannot sleep when you lay him down. Nursing to sleep is ok until his Moro reflex kicks in 30-45 minutes after Shut Down and it's SPREAD EAGLE ALERT! FALLING! FALLING! MUST. GRAB. SOMETHING. TO. ARREST. FALL.
Sleep over. Reset. Begin again. Boob please mom.
Sleeping arrangements up to week 14 had been pretty standard. Dad and Bear in one room. Mom in the other. Why? Mom can't nurse at night because it hurts too bad and can't sleep in same room as Bear and Dad because she wakes up at every rustle and jostle. SO. It's fractured, for sure, so when the build up to Jackie's wedding starts and the company arrives with it, we all move into the big bed together. Situation unfolds as follows.
Mom sleeps next to Bear. Dad sleeps next to mom. Bear, as is his custom, squirms about in his sleep from time to time. Mom offers the boob as a comfort nursing gesture. Bear, ever the gentleman, accepts. Soon it is customary for the Bear to wake up every hour or two, demanding the boob, as is his new-found right. Cries if boob is not forthcoming. Sleep deprivation returns to the farm.
Mom tries to cut back on the boob at night. Bear is unimpressed and demonstrates this by crying loudly.
What to do.
Around this time, Dad has his first business trip to Wisconsin, leaving Mom and The Bear to test the waters. Mom doesn't sleep much, and now The Bear is uninterested in napping without some serious persuasion. Now everyone is sleepy, cranky and beside themselves. Mom researches how to get on a sleep schedule and opts for the No-cry method which involves picking up the baby and soothing them every time they cry when being put down for bed. This takes weeks however, and they will both be complete zombies by then so she opts for the lying next to The Bear while he works it out.
The Bear shows his feelings over this method by crying for nearly two hours before winding down and passing out. Much of this crying seems to say, "What the HELL mom?! You're RIGHT THERE. I'm CRYING. DO something!" Mom was not expecting this kind of stamina.
Next night, same story, 15 minutes less crying. That's still a LOT of crying. Mom is starting to feel like a bad parent, despite patting, cooing, and speaking gently to The Bear as he works towards sleep. By the third and fourth night when dad returns, she is broken.
Just pick the baby up. Do whatever it takes. Just. Make. The. Crying. Cease.
Trouble is, they're back to spending hours getting the Bear to sleep again and it's making everyone batty.
Still, we do not want to Permanently Scar The Bear's Spirit For Life by allowing him to cry unchecked just because we, selfish parents, want some sleep stretches of more than 2 hours.We consult the experts. Read books. Obsess over the internet. Log sleep. Realize the Bear does not prefer having someone there if they aren't going to soothe him. After agonizing and debating and bar graphing and consulting astrology cafe's we decide to do the graduated checks. Starting Friday. As in, two nights from now.
I'm telling you. Being a parent in the stages of laying groundwork for your child's long term success is hard when they doth protest much.
Somehow, over a glass of wine and chickens jumping on our table, Tobi and I realized that we are parents to our baby. Not friends. We are there to provide respectful structure, stability, love and support. Buddydom can come later, but we are the ones who have to make the choices that our children may cry about in the beginning, but, hopefully, thank us for later...or at least forget that they cried for several nights because of it.
Either way, here's hoping we all get some consistent sleep soon and that we're all closer because of it.
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