He grabs his toes and hates naps

I am writing this now listening to my astrological profile while listening to The Bear protest against his nap which he very clearly needs.

Yesterday he learned how to grab his toes and has been obsessively kicking his feet, grabbing them, and looking very pleased with himself.  There are so many things changing these days, so many new skills and milestones that it's no wonder sleep seems like the last thing he would want to do.

On top of that, he's also rearing and bucking around alot with nursing throughout the day...and forgetting to let go of my boob.  This is sort of like having a chinese torture chamber on your nipple that refuses to let go.  When the gravity of his head finally pulls him off, I swear you can hear the 'pop'. True.

Days like today remind me that sometimes the line between pleasure and pain is very fine indeed.  It is good to remind myself that I am in a situation entirely because of my actions so whether I enjoy the result or not, it is up to me to make more of the same or try something different.

The traction we had gained in easier bedtimes has been lost in the trauma of naptime and nothing really seems to be working consistently. I have tried to stick to an "Every two hours from when he wakes" schedule, but unless I want to let him cry for an hour straight, that philosophy doesn't always work.  Then we end up in an endless spiral of waiting an hour and trying again to see if he'll go for it this time.  Add that on top of a distractible eater and well, it could make the days abit, ahem, challenging.

Oh, The Bear loves being awake and playing, it's just the going down for naps and eating that he's not too keen on.  So right now, it looks like the sleepless starvation philosophy is what The Bear prefers. Unfortunately, I've got the dubious task of helping him discover the art of compromise. So far what we have landed on is 10-20 minutes of crying unless he miraculously passes out on the boob at one of the lucky feeding sessions that last longer than ten minutes.

As all good parents know, and to be honest, I'm starting to think that anyone who doesn't swear and cry  at their children are good parents, we just want our kids to have as gentle an experience of life as possible.  Some days this seems much closer than others.  Still, when Espen flashes his "MOM, you RESCUED me!" smile, I just want to keep him awake and feed him on sunshine as long as he wants. Lordy Lord.

My baby is awesome (er than all the rest)

Ok, moms out there know what I'm talking about. Dads too. We're all pretty sure our baby is the Supreme Incarnation of All That Is Amazing and Good.

But mine really is.  He has so much hair he makes boy bands look sad.  He giggles at four am when I pick him up in a dead cry and then chuckles contentedly to himself as I hold him.

He has dance moves that Michael Jackson would be jealous of.
He hates hats and isn't afraid to let you know.

He can lift whole baskets of toys BY HIMSELF.

He is cute with and without clothes on.

His poop even smells sweet.

So come on other parents out there. Let's see what your baby has.  I don't want to be elitist and sit on this Mt. My Babe Is FUCKING RAD alone. Do your worst. Or best.

But don't say I didn't warn you about the steep competition.

The Bear is on the Adwarable Path and he's taking names.

To Cry It Out or Not To Cry It Out-The First Test of Parental Mettle

One word. Hyphenated. Sleep-Deprivation.  One question. What to do?  A thousand answers. Cry it out! Gradual Extinction! No-cry method! Just hang tight!

Scenario.
The Bear is tired. He has red eyes. He rubs them. He stares into space. He tosses. Bucks.  Cries. And cannot sleep when you lay him down. Nursing to sleep is ok until his Moro reflex kicks in 30-45 minutes after Shut Down and it's SPREAD EAGLE ALERT! FALLING! FALLING! MUST. GRAB. SOMETHING. TO. ARREST. FALL.

Sleep over. Reset. Begin again. Boob please mom.

Sleeping arrangements up to week 14 had been pretty standard. Dad and Bear in one room. Mom in the other. Why? Mom can't nurse at night because it hurts too bad and can't sleep in same room as Bear and Dad because she wakes up at every rustle and jostle. SO. It's fractured, for sure, so when the build up to Jackie's wedding starts and the company arrives with it, we all move into the big bed together.

Situation unfolds as follows.
Mom sleeps next to Bear. Dad sleeps next to mom. Bear, as is his custom, squirms about in his sleep from time to time. Mom offers the boob as a comfort nursing gesture. Bear, ever the gentleman, accepts.  Soon it is customary for the Bear to wake up every hour or two, demanding the boob, as is his new-found right.  Cries if boob is not forthcoming. Sleep deprivation returns to the farm.

Mom tries to cut back on the boob at night. Bear is unimpressed and demonstrates this by crying loudly.

What to do.

Around this time, Dad has his first business trip to Wisconsin, leaving Mom and The Bear to test the waters.  Mom doesn't sleep much, and now The Bear is uninterested in napping without some serious persuasion. Now everyone is sleepy, cranky and beside themselves. Mom researches how to get on a sleep schedule and opts for the No-cry method which involves picking up the baby and soothing them every time they cry when being put down for bed.  This takes weeks however, and they will both be complete zombies by then so she opts for the lying next to The Bear while he works it out.

The Bear shows his feelings over this method by crying for nearly two hours before winding down and passing out.  Much of this crying seems to say, "What the HELL mom?! You're RIGHT THERE. I'm CRYING. DO something!" Mom was not expecting this kind of stamina.

Next night, same story, 15 minutes less crying. That's still a LOT of crying. Mom is starting to feel like a bad parent, despite patting, cooing, and speaking gently to The Bear as he works towards sleep. By the third and fourth night when dad returns, she is broken.

Just pick the baby up. Do whatever it takes. Just. Make. The. Crying. Cease.

Trouble is, they're back to spending hours getting the Bear to sleep again and it's making everyone batty.

Still, we do not want to Permanently Scar The Bear's Spirit For Life by allowing him to cry unchecked just because we, selfish parents, want some sleep stretches of more than 2 hours.

We consult the experts. Read books. Obsess over the internet. Log sleep. Realize the Bear does not prefer having someone there if they aren't going to soothe him. After agonizing and debating and bar graphing and consulting astrology cafe's we decide to do the graduated checks. Starting Friday. As in, two nights from now.

I'm telling you. Being a parent in the stages of laying groundwork for your child's long term success is hard when they doth protest much.

Somehow, over a glass of wine and chickens jumping on our table, Tobi and I realized that we are parents to our baby. Not friends. We are there to provide respectful structure, stability, love and support. Buddydom can come later, but we are the ones who have to make the choices that our children may cry about in the beginning, but, hopefully, thank us for later...or at least forget that they cried for several nights because of it.

Either way, here's hoping we  all get some consistent sleep soon and that we're all closer because of it.

Nicknames of The Bear

Kid, you got a mom that looooves words, particularly around designating YOU.

1. The Bear
2. Beartomous
3. Beartolomeo
4. Espenoza
5. Esp
6. Bearracuda
7. Little Scoundrel (and derivatives thereof...Scound etc)
8. Captain Bear Ginger Hair
9. Wah-Oo Milk Howler
10. Chickachow, Chicks
11. Baboo, Babs
12. Bubbaloo, Bub, Bubs
13. Bearly
14. Little Turkey
15. Munch, Munchy
16. Smoosh
17. Big Legs
18. Big E. Big
19. Bigs
20. Tig

Fourth Trimesters and The Rise of Mr. Bigs

Oh Espen! You are getting so big! Your personality is coming out more and more every day and man, is it fun to watch.  Just LOOK at you yaawwwning at the camera, staring at the camera, having sleepy face, and funning around naked in the grasses on sheepskin like a little Pan.  

You are generally a happy little dude unless there is something you NEED...FOOD! NAPS! CHANGING!  We've had a lot of fun figuring out how to give you what you're asking for, though if you feel like something traumatizing happened in early infancy it probably revolved around having to wait several minutes for milk while your dad stumbled around the kitchen at 2am. Sorry about that.

You have absolutely LOOOVED standing on your legs since about the second or third week, leading me to nickname you Mr. Big Legs.  This is one of your favorite games and a pretty surefire way to get you happy in the midst of meltdowns.  "Bear Big Legs" is becoming a popular reference around the property and we have documented proof that grandpa is helping you with the process. Grandma too.

And what is this? You're starting to discover how flipping RAD HANDS ARE.  Particularly around your long haired aunties.

I must admit, you grow more complex and engaged every day and I am completely enamored with your consciousness.  Such a little individual comes through with your interactions and it is clear that you are fascinated by the world around you and all its wonders.

A few fun facts about your first three months are:

1. You loved "Jumping Bean" for the first couple of weeks. It would stop you crying in your tracks.

2.  You developed an unstoppable loathing for your carseat. LOATHING. Stupid Car Seat. Hence, you now have your own driving song called "The Bear Boogie" which makes you smile and fall asleep about 90% of the time.

3. You love baths and stomping around the water with me.  You don't mind putting your ears under only get upset when it's time to get out, which has resulted in the awesome appearances of 

4. The "Scoundrel In the Mirror." He always elicits a smile and a look of intense curiosity from you.  

5. You want to SEE the world and not be tucked away in some carrier.  Unless you are sleepy. Then it's fine. But WOE UNTO YE if you try to Put The Bear In A Carrier when he wants to Engage With the World. Moby? Screw you. Fancy Saturday Market Carrier? No thanks.  Ergo Baby?  Maybs. 

6. You TALK!  Since very early, like the first three weeks, you've been staring deeply into our eyes and "Go-ing" and "Ahh Ohhhh-ing!" with great feeling. It's adorable and also clear that you have a lot to tell us! Exciting!

The first three weeks and some useful details

Tobias and I assumed that having a beautiful birth was the Great Goal to Be Achieved.  We figured that everything AFTER the birth would come as naturally as breathing, albeit with some sleepless nights to guide us on our Path to Parenthood.  We asked some questions in our midwife appointments like, "Is there anything essential we need to have or know before the Coming of The Bear?" and would walk away feeling like "It'll come naturally and be fine" were good foreshadowing answers to the ease with which our trajectory of Awesome Hippie Parents would continue after birth.

Espen,  for the record, the first three weeks have been pretty rife with fascinating challenges.  Also for the record, we've all been fairly awesome about them.  I wanted to write them down as factually as possible so you'd have an adult reference point if you should ever want to compare notes.  And now, without further ado, the facts, sir.

From the beginning, you were an eager latcher, going straight for the breast with natural ease.  By day two, my nipples were cracked and bleeding and there were many feedings that were so painful I was crying as I fed you.  This, we figured, was not quite the blissful breastfeeding picture which had been painted for us by our advisors.

Joy, our midwife, suggested a possible tongue-tie, which is when your frenum is attached so as to make it difficult to fully roll back the upper lip and/or tongue.  We spent the next day trying to ascertain where and how your upper frenum was attaching and came to the conclusion that it was well within the short category.  This apparently causes discomfort with breast-feeding because a baby can't open their mouth all the way to get a proper latch...it can also cause speech issues and digestive issues later on so we were keen to get it resolved.


The procedure is a simple and quick one involving a snip of the frenum which takes a second and doesn't bleed much and heals quickly.  Joy had performed several of these procedures and had consulted a specialist so we felt that a quick snip at home would be the most comfortable option for you.  We did that on Wednesday, day 3, for you.  I did Reiki on you and Danielle did cranio-sacral massage on you and you cried for about a minute, while Joy was holding the ice on your lip after the snip.  We expected that things would even out with the breast feeding after that, but we scheduled an appointment with the specialist, Bobak Ghaheri, for Friday (day 5) just to make sure we had completely addressed any potential tongue-tie issues.

That was our first outing from the house, which, you can be the judge of, in terms of how you like that, or what significance, if any, it may have.  I personally thought it was a little ridiculous but what can you do. We were at the end of our babymoon and we wanted to be able to breast feed, since by that point, I had started pumping to give my breasts a chance to heal but still keep you on the nipple juice.

Dr. Ghaheri asked me a few questions about breast feeding, like, "How does it feel?" and "How do your nipples look after a feeding?", checked inside your mouth, and said with no hesitation, "It's an upper and sub-lingual tongue tie."  He showed us how it looked inside your mouth and explained that tongue tie is far more common than most people suspect, in fact, his own daughter had been tongue tied.

The procedure he suggested, was using a laser to cut the frenums, which was a quick procedure, 1-2 minutes and would bleed minimally.  We felt confident that this was the best route to take as it was quick and as painless as possible...and then found out that we were not allowed in the room during the procedure because of OSHA rules (some medical governance body who probably doesn't want anxious, hovering parents getting in the way of doctors trying to work).  We didn't like that idea at all, but Joy, our fearless midwife, who came with us, asked if she could go with you and after checking, Dr. Ghaheri said that was within the guidelines.

Veering from the facts for a moment, I must confess, this was still a very heart-wrenching call, especially since we had to sit two doors down and just wait for about 7 minutes until we heard you wail and then a minute or two later, Joy came barreling into the room with you in here arms.  Good lord.  You got boob immediately and settled right down into a deep nap.

The follow up for the procedure involved us having to roll a finger back and forth over the wound sites 4-6 times per day for three weeks so the frenums wouldn't re-attach and the tissue would stay flexible.  Again, there are many things we would have preferred to give you 4-6 times a day besides putting our hands in your mouth and making you squirm. At the writing of this, we still have one week to go with the rolling and your lip and tongue have healed up nicely.  Now we are focusing on doing exercises to build your mouth strength and feeding you with our fingers and baby straws/re-introducing you to regular breast-feeding.  You've gotten mom juice the whole time so while the delivery system has varied over the last three weeks, the product has been 100% organic, made for you, food.

Now we are at the point where we are about 80% on finger feeding and 20% breast-feeding.  I'll be doing herbal supplementation to help the process along and I am very hopeful that we will be able to get to 100% breast-feeding...but either way, we're confident that you are getting the love and nutrition you need to thrive so regardless of how it all ends up looking, you're in good hands kiddo.

Week 41- Go Time and the Easter Bear Birth Story

Saturday, Tobias and I decided to eat at the Carver Cafe for breakfast and do a belly cast.  We've determined that the Bear is on his own schedule now and we will content ourselves with being patient and having some fun while waiting....the day could not have been more gorgeous...sunny, warm, like summertime.  We raked leaves into the burn pile, Tobi played around with the "jet pack", clearing an area for the compost and around the fire pit and we soaked in the goodness...good thing we did because that night, Easter Eve, the surges started becoming regular around 10.30pm.

I was content to bounce on the birthing ball and watch episodes of Smash and Glee and Once Upon A Time and just observe how the rushes felt...not uncomfortable, just tightening.

Around 4.30am we called Joy and said, "Probably come now.  We're about 4 minutes apart."  Over she and Danielle rolled and from that point on, the show was up and running.  The tub filled, the surges became more regular and intense, and the Bear, Tobi and I were on the adventure of a lifetime.  I plan on writing about this specifically in more depth, but for right now, I will simply say, it was an initiation on the most primal level.  There is no ceremony, no words, no incantations I have experienced or heard about, which touch the complete submersion of mind into body driven by soul.

To speak simply of the physical sensations would be unidimensional but I understand how it can be the focal point of cultural stories and popular belief.  They are total in their manifestation in the body. You can hypnotize yourself, yell through it, breathe through it or knock yourself out, but your body is still going to go through the monumental process of opening itself and shifting bone, muscle and sinew to create a passage for new life.  It is nature at its most instinctual. What you get to decide is how you aim to participate in the unfolding...

Surfing monster waves is a metaphor that comes to mind. You either catch the wave and ride it or it rides you and can drive you into the ocean floor or shoot you into the sky.  I grew up riding some pretty feisty horses and I can tell you that birth puts them all in the circus pony ring.

At 12.30pm on Easter Sunday, Espen Camino Eld-Mathis emerged, under water, in our bedroom, to a day that was bright, warm and filled with a flood of fulfillment.  The last ten months, all leading up to this moment...you uncurled under water in Tobias' hands, a delightful blueberry color, and after 10 or 15 seconds, we brought you into the air and right onto my chest where you opened your eyes and just STARED at us as you started to breathe. Again, this is something you can only know the full measure of if you experience it directly.  It's incredible. It's a titanic effort.  It's completely unbelievable.

One of the things I am most grateful for is that we were able to give you such a peaceful, conscious entry into the world.  I was never drugged, never screaming and able to completely engage in talking to you during the entire process.  We worked together to bring you into the world and the teamwork was powerful.  There was a moment near the end, when I reached down and felt the top of your head at the opening between inner world and outer world...talk about a game changer!  Tobias and I just stared at each other in disbelief and kept saying, "We're really having a baby! This is The Bear!"...as if all the rushes and body rocking up to this point had been for some other reason!

Needless to say, when you emerged, we were completely overjoyed and exhausted and the midwives bundled us into bed with you still attached to your cord.  We kept you attached for three hours to make sure you got all the good blood and nutrients you could and then I cut our cord myself after thanking you for the time and space we had shared for the last ten months and you became fully embodied as YOU as we held you in our arms.

You weighed 8 pounds and 13 ounces and were 21.5 inches long with a complete head of dark hair. So flipping cute!  Tobias and I are completely in love with you and within minutes, you were sucking your thumb and had latched on to nurse.

Our adventure is just beginning Bear, and I hope you like the spelling of your name.  Tobi and I had many debates about it being Esben or Espen and the reason we chose the latter is because it is easier for English speakers to get the sound right...oh the things to keep in mind when you are an international kid!

Of course we're having all the magical things done too, like determining your Card of Destiny, having your astrology chart read, chinese animal and mayan calendar animal...so you should be set for World Fluency in no time...