Dear Espen,
You may not remember this incident when you are older, but I will because I behaved in ways I hoped I never would.
There are several things I want you to know about me that I have tried to keep out of the picture of your childhood. I did this because I wanted you to have a childhood that was as carefree and blissful as it could possibly be. To me, that meant having two parents that were happily in love, healthy and pursuing their paths to become the best version of themselves.
I want to speak to the healthy part. For most of my 20's and 30's I have experienced a variety of symptoms that have left me feeling physically exhausted. Rather like I'm running on empty with the light flashing for the last 40 miles. Because of this, I have unconsciously kept an energy accounting ledger that had enough in it to keep me more or less financially independent and able to live on my own, but precious little else that wasn't directly related to healing or infusing me with hope...like ecstatic dance, reiki, writing, music....but all of that had to stay small. Just a dance here or there. An impromptu song once in awhile-but nothing sustained, because it took too much out of me. I just didn't recognize how much I counted on being able to carve out space to just lie in bed all day if I miscalculated my available energy.
After I had you I realized just how tenuous my balancing act had been. I could hold down a job to pay rent and food but had nothing left over to invest in relationships or pursuing my real dreams. I could dream and live with my parents forever or survive on my own with little glimpses of what my life could look like if only I had the energy to follow those dreams. But I always had the option to retreat from the outside world and my dreams because no one was depending on me.
Having you was so clearly my destiny that I have always known there was something I needed to do and learn despite my physical exhaustion.
One of those lessons has been that I need to do everything in my power to heal from whatever is causing my body and mind to be so fatigued. And I also need to find a way to accept my reality exactly as it is because you never know if things will shift or stay the same.
But the thing is, I have also discovered what some of my deep patterning is. And let me tell you right now, it's the thing I am most ashamed of. I have spent so much time wishing it were not so, but it just makes it that much more regrettable when it gets the best of me.
I speak of my hair-trigger anger. That thing you saw yesterday when I suddenly went from sleepy to raging in the blink of an eye. Almost like there was an invisible line that had been crossed which transformed me from your loving, calm, patient mom into a frustrated, erratic, frighteningly cold monster.
It feels so terribly uncontrollable when I sense the anger welling inside me. I can see it coming like a tsunami and I can't seem to get out of the way. It picks me up and tumbles me around until I, and anyone in its path, are bruised and scared.
And I tried to explain it to you yesterday, how I saw the path unfolding, but it's alot for a little one to work with and that's why I am writing this now-- so you could read it later with more life under your belt.
The progression looked like this:
I am exceptionally exhausted.
I try to advocate for my need. (a 10 minute nap or some such)
I am unable to get my need met. (you want to have someone play with you, which is totally valid)
I get sad because I think I can't take care of myself and consequently, can't take care of you.
I want to fight for my needs so I can be a good parent.
I get angry that I am failing, that my body is failing, that my reality is not what I want it to be.
I lash out at you or anyone else within reach to try and dull the sadness.
It doesn't work and I start an emotional tailspin.
And that's when I make choices from a place of complete reactivity. It's such an undesirable emotional space to be in. Seeing that I am causing damage and yet feeling helpless to stop it.
All of that to say, it is my responsibility to accept this, to work with this and to make amends for the pain it causes the people I love.
I have explored several ideas for what is at the root of this wild emotionality and physical exhaustion. I have worked with Tibetan physicians and yoga to build up my body, naturopaths and therapists to try and pin down a clinical diagnosis that I can address, acupuncturists, shamans, life coaches and intuitive healers. All of that has allowed me to be a reasonable version of myself since having you...but I want to be better. I want to be fully energized and vital so I can run and play with you like you desire.
I am now about to embark on a path of retraining the brain to function on a more relaxed level. My sense is now, that I have been living with a heightened, long-term stress response for most of my life. Essentially, that my brain perceived a trauma long ago and jumped into high alert and never fully came back to baseline.
Without going into all the science behind what chronic, long-term stress can do, let me just summarize by saying that it produces all the symptoms I currently have because it shuts down all non-essential systems in the body...like higher level cognitive function, digestion, immune response and countless others.
This letter is my attempt at making amends for any pain and stress I have caused you because of the lessons I am still learning. I want you to know how deeply sorry I am for this. I want you to know that I am being proactive about mitigating my imbalances because I value the process of self-development and I believe it is possible to remember the light we have inside us more consistently.
Please forgive me for my shortcomings and the harm I have done you through my lack of self awareness and control.
I love you the best I can every day and I will continue to do so throughout eternity. And I love my own soul too, which is why I can write this without defining myself as my mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and get up again and I will do so as long as I have breath in this body.
Thank you so much for carrying your light and spirit in the world, Espen. You are the clearest individual I have ever known. I am so grateful for your steadfast sweetness and infinite love.
Always,
Little Mama
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