Week 40- Letting Go, Diving In

Well it's officially week 40 and I'm working on jumping off the precipice so to speak.  It's pretty incredible to contemplate how life has been so much about growing humans for the last 40 weeks and now it's time to crack the lid and see what's been brewing.  Yes, I just compared the Bear to brewing beer.

I feel a mixture of emotions at this stage...anticipation, nervousness, wonder, fear, hope, disbelief...it's like swamp water in terms of coming up with a clear over riding taste.  Bear has done everything I've asked in terms of clearing energy and working with my intentions for the pregnancy...we've been a great team...now I feel like it's my turn to return the trust we've established...to step up to the plate and say YES, ok, I am ready to do this with you Bear...this, most exciting, untried territory we've ever been on.  I do not know how it will feel, nor how it will impact either of us, but I am willing to surrender now to the experience.

It's easy for me to see how women can slip into a "this-is-happening-TO-me" consciousness when approaching and engaging with the birthing process...it feels like getting dumped on Mt. Everest with all your gear and no guide....the winds are blowing, the sky is magnificent, the world is at your feet and you must move...up or down, you must take steps.  And then, if you are lucky and brave, you remember that YOU are your guide, that you have been training for this your whole life,  that you have memorized routes and exposed your body to mountains as long as you can remember...and even though this is its own mountain with its own secrets and challenges, you are as ready as you will ever be.

So, here I stand on Everest, my good sense telling me that it's fine, my senses themselves overloaded with input and the newness of MASSIVE on an unfamiliar scale.  I'm going into this with my eyes wide open and the intention to be right HERE with it all, whatever the outcome and sensations along the way.  No running back down the mountain, but running upwards to welkin.

Fear I name you and smile.  Hope, I embrace you and dance.  Body, I thank you and am in awe.  Bear, I love you and am humbled.

Week 39- Spring and the Home Stretch

So Bear,

I'm wondering how this is all going to play out.  The birth I mean....it's so unprecedented for me and you...we've never done this before and somehow, we'll know exactly what we need to do and when and how...it's the Adventure of a Lifetime and a Great Leap of Faith for both of us...for me, it's another huge opportunity to trust my body and the nature of being incarnated...for you, maybe it's about taking on physical form and that movement from pure spirit into flesh...or so many things I can't imagine because it is YOUR experience...and yet we are doing this together.  We are coming to the end of one chapter where we're literally encased as one entity and beginning the start of a new chapter as two....I wonder about how our energies will entwine and differentiate as time passes...what that will be like and how you will chose to dance your life song...it's very exciting and totally unique...you've never been here on this earth like you will be so soon!  I will never have loved someone like I do and will love you!  So much expansion is happening and unfolding before us now...and I feel tremendous gratitude to you for agreeing to dance with Tobias and I for as long as we have together here...for being both teacher and student as we will be for you also...I know you are feeling this as I write it because you are rolling around inside me and I am patting you so you know I hear you.

39 weeks together...that's a good long time to get to know each other on a deep level...I know you've been exposed to a host of emotions, sounds, sensations and stimuli and I want to promise you that they are all good.  They are all ok and wonderfully natural parts of being alive and human.  You are safe and sound here always.

I wrote a song for you and have sung it to you often during the last many months....it is my blessing for you as you experience life.  You'll recognize the sounds, here are the words.

The world is your home
Feel it embrace you
You're safe wherever you are
Friends will appear
Your truth, it will guide you
All that you dream is here.

I've asked for your help in clearing any energetic blocks that would impede your smooth passage into this  life and you've done it.  It is now up to us to move forward together, both of us approaching the spirit gate as partners to bring you into the world.  I feel calm and excited, natural and standing on the threshold of initiation.  I trust you Bear.  You can trust me.  We are doing this well, exactly how it turns out.

Week 38-Showers, Paint, Coops, Juice and Unicorns

You'll notice that there is no news on Thumbkin because he has been burned and frozen and now is hibernating like a charred Yeti in a deep Himalayan winter.  I, for one, am willing to let that sleeping dog lie for now.







This week has been FILLED with exciting and stimulating things of an astonishing variety.  To date, Joy our midwife came over and painted my belly up with gorgeous lilies and then we took pictures in the neighbors field while is spattered rain on us.




The neighbors were kind enough to honk and wave as Tobias and I frisked around the grasses trying to look warm and festive.  I'd say the results are pretty great.  

Joy painted you as a ginger baby AND as a Lily so we've got another vote cast for what you'll be!  Honestly, I'm a big fan of not knowing if you're a boy or girl because it gives everyone a chance to experience a small fraction of the wonder and mystery of growing humans...

Then there was the baby shower, which was nothing short of epic.  I had no idea that so many ladies could converge in one location with babies on the brain.  The great-great aunties and great grandmothers were all there so it must be said that the Bear is a Powerful Draw indeed! There were 50 people there if there was one and Tobias was very manly and capable throughout the entire thing.  Dear Tobs had been sick all day but rallied and as he said, "manned up"  with aplomb.  Having Uncle Eric and Grandpa Jim there definitely helped.

The loot was nothing short of obscene as you can see in the photos here and well, you're going to love  yellow...I hope.  We got a lot of that since apparently people are reticent to buy babies of unknown gender anything blue or pink.  We'd dress you in all of it of course, but well,  not everyone is as progressive with color.  Needless to say,  we're set.

Not to be outdone by works of giving and showering,  Tobias began the Building Of The Coop for The Girls and is making admirable progress.  It's his first Major Construction and he is very proud of it, as you can see.   He is one of those Hands On learners and after drawing out his plans for the coop, didn't waste a second whipping down to Home Depot to secure plywood and the necessary hardware for his project.  It is one of the qualities I love most about him...he sets his mind to something and then DOES it.





Along with the building projects, we've taken up juicing nearly every day which is a great way to get lots of those vitamins and yummy nutrients without having to turn into a rabbit.  It reminds me of being a kid drinking carrot juice every day when I had cancer, but this is far more gourmet.  Tobias serves it in wine glasses, chilled over ice, so I feel posh instead of ill.  Love that man.

And last but not least,  I've been acupuncting along regularly since returning to the US...and this week, a tiny bit of wisdom dropped in my lap in the parking lot after my snooze in the recliner.  I think it really captures what I want to model to you Bear and well, it's just flippin' magical.

Week 37- Thumbkin Proud Flesh Goes For A Coup

Ok, Bear,

I have to apologize for becoming obsessed with healing my thumb.  It has really gotten a bit out of control, namely because it JUST KEEPS GROWING.  It's like I have another thumb.  All of the soaking and herbs from Dr. Kou rousted the infection (yay no antibiotics!) but has resulted in Dr. Buhl saying things like, "WOW! The one thing you don't want to be is interesting to a doctor and I can tell you, I've never seen anything like this." Oh yeah? Well ME NEITHER and it's on MY HAND.

We finally got a diagnosis from him of Proud Flesh which apparently is an over-exhuberant healing reaction that grows you a bunch of collagen rich tissue and an accompanying horde of blood vessels to supply its growth to cover the wounded area.  Which means, blood bath.  BECAUSE, the treatment is to remove, i.e. cut back the tissue and cauterize (BURN) it to stop the rapid growth and encourage a more sedate healing.  Apparently being pregnant and having hormones that scream GROW STUFF is another helpful element in this.

I am, quite simply, fascinated and completely over-stimulated by this medical adventure.  This is how it goes down.

Dr. Buhl takes a look, says "Ok, bring me cutters and silver nitrate and blah blah blah gauze, gloves etc"

I say, "I want to watch. Don't worry, I am fine around blood."

Dr. Buhl says, "Cool.  Lay on your side and let Tobias stand behind you to make sure you don't fall off the table."

And the slicing begins.  See how big it is? Yes, the good doctor was sending it off to pathology to check out this freak of medical nature.



The slicing was fine actually.  Didn't really hurt at all, which, he informed me smiling, is typical of proud flesh.  Then the bleeding began.  We're talking spurting fountains of blood pulsing out the end of my thumb to the beat of my heart.  I'll admit, that was a new one.

Then, realizing the chemical cautery is not working, Dr. Buhl calls for the Electric Hyper Zapping Blood Stopping Machine and I start to feel a bit fuzzy as the electric shocks go right into the open wound.  It felt like being tattooed on a sunburn, which, as your parent, I hope you only experience if you are REALLY PASSIONATE about whatever you're getting inked. And not til you're 18.

I waved my head around a bit weakly and said, "I don't feel awesome."  which prompted him to command Tobias to run into the hall and call a nurse.  Next thing I hear is "Nurse!!"

Who comes running in with SMELLING SALTS and flashes them under my nose.  Try inhaling the fixer in hair dye if you want to know what THAT experience was like.  Lordy Lord.

After that, Dr. Buhl decided to inject Thumbkin with Novocaine to  numb him up and then spent the next 15 minutes cauterizing the hell out of my thumb until it looked like I'd stuck it in an electrical socket and left it unattended for hours.  The bleeding, however, had stopped.

SO.  All of this to say, this week has been utterly hijacked by Thumbkin Proud Flesh and his assault on normal thumbery...which has stolen my attention away from you except in the quiet moments before I drift off to sleep from over-stimulation and medical high-jinks.  You've gotten your share of adrenaline rich blood during  this time and I can tell you, you are an amazing amazing spirit for working through all of this with such a good nature.

I visited Dr. Carin Bocskray this week to talk about the emotional and spiritual work needing to be done and cleared around this experience, so rest assured,  I am doing my best to address all aspects of this eleventh hour physical manifestation.  I am determined to continue my own evolution even as you continue yours so we can separately and collectively move ever deeper into the light.

Week 36- Chicks, Photo Shoots and the Rise of Proud Flesh

Bear,

This week has been WILD.  As in a jungle of excitement and creativity and HOLY HECK WHAT IS THAT GROWING ON  MY THUMB.  You may get grossed out by this in years to come, but trust me, it was on MY finger, so I get it.



Needless to say, the week started out with fun.  We got four baby chickens!  In honor of Tobias and his Danish Pride we named them after favorite monarchs and places in Daneland.  Margarethe, Ingrid, Silkeborg and Thunderbear.  (Thordenbjorn)  They are all girls. Here they are in their miniature splendor. They live in a horse trough. We sing them songs and catch worms for them, so you will see in years to come, that we like to tend young things :)

We also had a photo shoot with Brent Williams, who is basically one of my brothers from another mother and a damn fine photographer.

You'll see that Tobias and I adore playing dress-up first hand, but there is definitely some foreshadowing in this session.  We wanted to make sure we had some fun, creative shots of how much we've enjoyed this process of incubating an incoming spirit...I think it shows pretty clearly, but of course, you be the judge!







And then, good lord.  I had gotten a blood blister when living in Thorsager during the first part of being pregnant...it had taken its sweet time migrating to the surface, months in fact.  Well,  I finally snipped it a couple weeks back to let it breathe and everything seemed to be going well UNTIL....I woke up this week to find it infected and growing a LOT of extra skin. Check this out.  We scheduled a visit with a Western Doctor to see What The Deal Was and he smiled and cut it open and cauterized it, as in, BURNED THE FLESH with silver nitrate sticks and the prescribed an atomic blast of antibiotics.

We weren't too impressed with that course of action so our midwife Joy, who is awesome, suggested this Chinese Herbal Doctor that people fly around the world to see for cures.  Amazingly and magically, he agreed to see us the next day.  Dr. Kou took one look at Thumbkin and was like, 'Oohhhhh...we treat this with herb."  Good old Dr. Kou.

So now we are in the thick of trying to fight the infection with Chinese Herbs with names like Dang Shen and the ever popular jujube.  Keep you posted on that one.

Week 36 has totally taken the cake for exciting things in the outside world.  If you remember any of your in the womb experiences, I betcha this week would be one of the impressions.
Love you kid,

Jaime