Joy was not an experience that had much room to flourish in my childhood. The sense of being connected to what amounts to the good graces of god was always just out of reach. Salvation was touted as free but we ought not forget that we were wretched sinners without it. Grace, it seemed was something to speak of, but never indulge in for more than the fleetest of moments. It might make you proud. It could cause cockiness that could lead to being deceived by the wickedly clever, ever vigilant, satan. And just because it was free, didn't mean it was for keeps. You could always loose salvation if you weren't One Step Ahead Of Temptation.
As a result of this rather contradictory and might I suggest, stressful, ideology, relaxing and just resting in the alrightness of being is something I actively strive to heal towards to this day. Fear and anxiety are the underpinnings of my foundational values and they are ones I do not want to pass on to my child(ren).
When I look at Espen's face, enraptured with some texture, taste, or simply looking at me, I want to protect and nourish that more than anything. I can tell that he believes he is loved and ok with every fiber of his limitless spirit, and it gives me hope. It also raises the anxiety levels that I will, at some point, imprint on him some of the residual edginess that I inherited from a long line of worriers and soul-searchers. In the meantime, I am continuing my work of releasing the fear and anxiety that was infused into my cells and sending it into the earth to be cleansed and returned to its pure, undefined, unjudgemental state so it can be used to heal instead of harm.
It is my greatest wish to simply and completely rest in the is-ness of life. Even if just for moments at a time, I believe in my heart of hearts that the look on my son's face is how we are all meant to feel about our place and our safety in being incarnated, regardless of what we experience physically or are told. So, Espen, when you get old enough to read this, I want you to ask yourself if I helped you continue to feel safe in the world as you. I hope that the answer is yes, and if it is not, that we both have the grace and courage to continue learning and growing towards it.
When I look at Espen's face, enraptured with some texture, taste, or simply looking at me, I want to protect and nourish that more than anything. I can tell that he believes he is loved and ok with every fiber of his limitless spirit, and it gives me hope. It also raises the anxiety levels that I will, at some point, imprint on him some of the residual edginess that I inherited from a long line of worriers and soul-searchers. In the meantime, I am continuing my work of releasing the fear and anxiety that was infused into my cells and sending it into the earth to be cleansed and returned to its pure, undefined, unjudgemental state so it can be used to heal instead of harm.
Sister, I have not spent much time with parents and their infants but what I witnessed while I was around you and Tobi was one of the most beautiful and loving things I have ever seen. It brings me joy just thinking about it. You are amazing. Bear is in the best of places.
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